Bedazzled With Rhinestones

heidizzle@gmail.com — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 17:18:17 GMT

I finished and sent one jb_ficexchange fic but I haven't even started the second one I don't know what to write oh God why did I offer to pinch write somebody kill me now

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heidizzle@gmail.com — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 00:45:28 GMT

I have accomplished some things today! You may not appreciate how much of an accomplishment even one thing would be until I tell you I drank stale coffee yesterday morning because I was too lazy to use the one-touch ZOMGINSTANT coffee machine. I win at being on surprise!vacation, but fail very, very hard at living.

- I got halfway through one of my jb_ficexchange fics! In one go, which is excellent, 'cause when I sat down I wasn't even sure which pairing to go with. AND I'm even happy with it so far. I think I can finish it tonight, and have tomorrow to do my pinch hit *knocks on wood*

- I left the house! For the first time in...73 hours, eep. My anxiety's been horrid lately, but I did talk myself out of using not having a job as an excuse for staying in and letting it keep getting worse. One good thing about my anxiety being at this level is that when something as little as walking out the door is an accomplishment, it's easy to find reasons to congratulate myself.

- I shopped! And didn't buy anything for myself. Since I only have one paycheck coming before Christmas, this is a good time to learn to curb my impulse-buying urges.

- I did some cleaning! Our living room is too disastrous for a tree, so armed with pretty pink gloves, a Balsam Fir candle, and Christmas music I kicked some ass.

And then my sister was wonderful and brought me home the greatest gift of all, a quart of french fries.

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heidizzle@gmail.com — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 19:26:06 GMT

Ugh, work. We got sent home early on Monday 'cause they ran out of stuff for us to do, had a full day yesterday (except I went in late, so I didn't get the full 8 hours, goddammit), and then sent us home early yesterday...and told us our warehouse was gonna be closed for a while so not to come back until we get a call from Adecco. Probably the 28th. At least we were promised our boss'll ask for the exact same crew again, so it's a surprise!unpaid!vacation more than a layoff. Still, this is a shitty time of year for a surprise!unpaid!vacation.

So. That's awesome.

Five Sexiest Things About Ron Weasley
1. Sometimes he looks like a mildly attractive lesbian
2-5. truemajority is a whore

Top Five OTPs (any fandom)
I don't really do OTPs, in the sense of "these two people belong with each other and no one else ever", so these are more...favorite pairings than traditional OTPs
1. David Bryan/Tico Torres - the original
2. Kevin Jonas/Zac Efron - ugly duckling + dreamboat = win
3. Kevin Jonas/Mike Carden - two different flavors of faily dork
4. Parker/Hardison - ridiculous personified. Why don't more of you watch Leverage?
5. Bob Schmidt/Matt Hensley - favorite OTP I've never written

Five Fics I Wish I'd Written (And May Still Write)
1. The one where Jon Bon Jovi sleeps with Joe Jonas
2. Kevin Jonas/Ianto Jones, Torchwood Season 3 AR
3. Companion piece to What I Did On My Summer Vacation, wherein Kevin learns accordion from Matt, geeks about mandolin with Bob, and there are sexytimes. Kevin is my fandom bicycle, shut up.
4. Eliot, Parker, and Hardison accidentally adopt a kid. If I watch the episode with the Ukrainian orphanage 30 more times this will totally get written.
5. The vampirehunter!JoBros from the Halloween episode bumper scenes in the A Little Less 16 Candles universe.

Five Bands I Never Expected to LOVE
I would like to right now call shenanigans on you making me admit to these all in public.
1. Fall Out Boy. All the crappy bands I like, I still consider FOB a guilty pleasure.
2. The Jonas Brothers. Like most people, I assumed they were a Disney-manufactured boy band, at a point I wasn't into Disney-manufactured boy bands.
3. Cobra Starship. I loved Bring It (Snakes on a Plane), didn't like most of the rest of While The City Sleeps, and gave up on them.
4. Panic! At The Disco. They have an exclamation point in their name and are a punchline and I had some altercations with a number of their fans that left me wanting nothing to do with them.
5. Lady Gaga. IDK what to say about that.

Top Five People I Wish I Could Meet
1. David Bryan. Forever.
2. Kevin Jonas. I'm pretty sure we would be BFFs.
3. blackwayfarers. We could shop for Jonas Brothers merchandise together.
4. Adam Siska. I have questions for him based on his Twitterings.
5. Joe Jonas. For shenanigans.

Top Five Songs
1. Scandinavia - Kevin Jonas. I cannot not be happy listening to this. SO. CUTE. TOO MUCH.
2. What A Catch, Donnie - Fall Out Boy. I'm in this kind of mood lately.
3. Love You Mad - Nathen Maxwell & The Original Bunny Gang. It's just so MELLOW and COMFORTABLE and PERFECT.
4. Berlin - Black Rebel Motorcycle Club. I have a bad habit of forgetting how much I love BRMC. But they just announced tour dates so I've been listening to them and unf this song is. Sex.
5. Sugar Rush - Cash Cash. Same with Cash Cash. But they're so AWESOME. And HAPPY.

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heidizzle@gmail.com — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 11:23:55 GMT

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listy lists

heidizzle@gmail.com — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 01:57:39 GMT

from mayqueen517

You post a topic, list, category, whatever, in my comments section. (examples: "5 Sexiest Things About Ron Weasley" or "Top 5 things to drink"). Then, in a separate post, I'll post the answers to all your Top 5 ideas, according to me. Then you post this offer in your own journal.

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heidizzle@gmail.com — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 00:37:46 GMT

New favorite "I am an adult" moment: truemajority and I bought crayons yesterday, which I put in my new Jonas Brothers purse because, y'know, why use a bag for just crayons (well, also lip gloss and a scarf, but).

So then of course when we went out to eat and I went to get my wallet, the crayons were the first thing visible. In my Disney purse. Because. I am an adult.

Christmas music season is in full swing! My favorite time of yeeeeear oh god. I have all sorts of plans to bombard you with Christmas music at some point, but until I am unlazy enough to actually do that, feel free to pick through the stuff I uploaded for blackwayfarers here (what's in there).

I was originally going to post about a number of angsty/depressing/melancholy things but I am apparently being positive, so that's all you get, crayons and Christmas music.

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heidizzle@gmail.com — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 02:12:34 GMT

I pretend I'm not excited by this Nick Jonas & The Administration garbage, but here I am having turned off the movie I was watching to watch the ~omg first evar performance~.

THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME. I'm gonna pretend I don't care if it's good or bad 'cause I'm not that invested in Nick but I AM SUCH A FUCKING LIAR.

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heidizzle@gmail.com — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 17:16:43 GMT

sodamnskippy is holding a Christmas fic exchange, so if you're into that at all you should go sign up.

(The last thing I need is another deadline, but I've been writing 2-300 words of Carden/Kevin a day, so all I need to do is make those 2-300 happen in the same fic every day. IDK)

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heidizzle@gmail.com — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 22:29:20 GMT

I hate being hungover. I used to be able to prevent it, but since I drank three and a half bottles of water last night (plus a glass at truemajority's) and took a double dose of Excedrin before sleep, and have still been completely incapacitated all day, I appear to have lost the knack.

As in, it's five o'clock and I just now felt good enough to go get my car, after sleeping all day. (And man, work tomorrow's probably gonna suck; what're the chances I'll get anything resembling a decent night's sleep after sleeping all day?)

Bah.

I've hit that point where I can't tell if I'm all woozy and unsteady because I'm still sick, and thus eating would be a bad idea, or if it's because I've only eaten two slices of artichoke pie and a handful of cookies in the past two days, and thus eating would solve all my problems. My tummy is rumbling, so I'm taking my chances with some Wheat Thins.

I'm trying to write a Jonas Brothers primer specifically for Bandom people who've come in through stuff like Mike/Kevin and the JoBros-on-Warped-Tour fic and don't necessarily need the thoroughness of the Jonas U series but might like to stop being confused by every name they read. It's not happening, though. Oh well.

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heidizzle@gmail.com — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 02:02:54 GMT

IDK why I'm so exhausted; I've been getting a full eight hours, give or take ten minutes at most, every night except Friday & Saturday, and since I nap most of the day Saturday & Sunday that shouldn't make a huge difference. And I'm not seeing any signs the sleep I'm getting is restless - if my sheets were all fucked up in the morning, or something, I'd get it. But there's no sign of bad sleep, and I'm still having trouble getting out of bed when my alarm goes off, still dragging ass by the end of the day. Today I took a half-hour nap even though I have a rule against napping on weekdays, and I'm already wanting to crawl into bed. Blah.

It doesn't help I've been having killer migraines like crazy lately; two Saturdays in a row I've woken up with a bad one that refuses to die, and I keep getting them at work. We have two warehouses, the one we usually work in and one across the street that's mostly there to get shit out of the way we work in every now and then. The crap warehouse has fluorescent lighting, and we've been checking cans/boxes for rust, which means having to scrutinize in crappy, dim lighting. AWESOME for my headaches, totally.

We have a four-day weekend coming up. Maybe I just need a break.

ETA: While I was in the shower, one of the cats decided to work on the sequel to I Don't Blame You For Being You:

Kevin blinks; the night before flashes into his head, more than he could remember before, and the second he sees it his face has to show it, 'cause Mike looks away.

"RRRRD1`N IU DSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXSSSS)_PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPVPI'm sorry, Kevin."

When I figure out which cat it was, I think I'll let her write my yuletide fic.

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heidizzle@gmail.com — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 16:03:04 GMT

So today is apparently Official Pimp sodamnskippy Day, the most delightful of all holidays.

sodamnskippy is the ~*~official~*~ (read: only) home for all things Mike Carden/Kevin Jonas, the Pairing Of My Soul (Kevin/Zac is still the Pairing Of My Heart, put them together and you have Nick J & The Administration's music, apparently).

I tend to write a very different Kevin when I'm pairing him with Mike than with anyone else; that's the closest I can come to describing the appeal. But, then, if I could say it in a few sentences I'd probably lose all desire to write Mike/Kevin, because part of the fun for me is trying to get at why the unholy fuck this stupid combination works so well. Mostly I think there is a version of Kevin in my head who knows who he is and is happy with himself, but not necessarily with the life he's creating for himself, the role he's fitting himself into, and Mike challenges that life.

That sounded less corny in my head, IDK. Also it doesn't even begin to address what Mike gets out of it. But.

Basically. Mike/Kevin is awesome, thus sodamnskippy is awesome. Also, yesterday I wrote Mike/Kevin vampire fic, which is awesome.

(It should also be said that Mike/Kevin has gotten me reading fuckloads of Bandom fic. Anyone who's been around my journal for a while knows that's kind of a big get)

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timestamp meme

heidizzle@gmail.com — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 02:50:29 GMT

When I have nothing of substance to say, I meme. And since 90% of the crap in my head are sequels/prequels to existing stories, this is as good as any.

Give me one of my own stories, and a timestamp sometime in the future after the end of the story, or sometime in the past before the story started, and I'll write you at least a hundred words of what happened then, whether it's five minutes before the story started or ten years in the future.

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heidizzle@gmail.com — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 17:31:32 GMT

Anyone interested in an invite to the Archive Of Our Own?

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heidizzle@gmail.com — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 23:12:02 GMT

So after missing work Wednesday thanks to my ER visit and Thursday thanks to some residual gross-feeling-ness and a bad migraine, I managed to make it through the day on Friday, making it a 24-hour week.

Of course, by the middle of the day Friday I was feeling crappy in an entirely different way than Tuesday night's stomach disaster and Thursday's migraine. Because it's the first week of November, which means I have to get a cold. I thought maybe I'd escape it this year; when I'm in school, I get wicked burned out the last week of October, and I was hoping the cold was a result of that. But no.

Because all the pictures of Kevin with ladies' shoes in Milan made me so happy, have 600 words of Kevin-is-a-crossdresser fic:

It's Joe who figures it out first, because Joe's a lot more perceptive than he looks, because Joe doesn't do that thing Nick does, their parents do, where he tells himself he's not seeing something if he doesn't want to see it. To be totally honest, something he hasn't been enough lately, Kevin's only half-surprised when Joe holds up a skirt, a simple black pencil skirt like the one hanging shameful and secret in the back of Kevin's closet.

"This would look pretty good on you," is all he says, and Kevin just blinks, races through all the excuses he's come up with just in case – there's just a couple things he likes the material of better, there are more color choices, women's jeans just fit over his stupid hips better. But the way Joe's looking at him, or the way Joe's not looking at him, just like it's the most normal thing in the world to be picking out skirts for your brother, shuts him down, and he flounders.

"I - " Kevin starts, but he's not sure what he wants to say; Maya comes back over before he can figure it out, says she's ready to go, so it doesn't matter anyway.

- - - - - -

Kevin tries not to be obvious; he figures it's a good sign that the jokes about how he dresses didn't change when the places he got his wardrobe from did. His one pair of women's boots haven't earned even half as many jokes from his brothers as most of his men's pairs, so obviously he's doing discreet right.

Well, obviously not, or Joe wouldn't have said anything.

"I didn't mean to freak you out earlier," Joe says, when he knocks on Kevin's door later, invites himself in and hands over the shirt he'd apparently bought. "I just...thought you should know I know."

"You didn't freak me out," Kevin lies, focusing more on not running his fingers over the skirt like it's a new pet with extra-soft fur, or something, than sounding convincing. Joe just nods, though, doesn't press the issue. Kevin had forgotten how good Joe is at being Serious Supportive Brother, not just Fun-Loving Antagonistic Brother.

"I was gonna borrow a shirt," Joe says, after a minute. "So I was looking in your closet."

"I've never worn it," Kevin says, like that makes any difference.

"You don't have to defend yourself, Kev." Joe picks up the skirt. "Does it look like I have a problem with it?"

"I just," Kevin starts, but he doesn't know what else to say; Joe looks at him for a long minute, until Kevin has to drop his eyes, look at anything but Joe's eyes that he can't read. "Um. Thank you."

"Don't worry about it," Joe says, tosses the skirt back at Kevin.

- - - - - -

On one of the rare days he's alone in the house, Dad with Nick and Mom with Frankie and Joe God knows where, Kevin puts on a skirt, stands in front of the mirror, and tries to focus on how good he feels right now instead of how bad he's supposed to feel. None of his shoes look right with it, but it's not like he can ever wear it again, and certainly not anywhere he'll need shoes, so he shouldn't really care.

Kevin changes back into jeans and hangs the skirt up only a few minutes before the front door opens and closes, and doesn't spend the rest of the day thinking about women's shoes.

Really.

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heidizzle@gmail.com — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 21:21:13 GMT

It's okay, Kevin. Give in. Just try it on; you know you want to.

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heidizzle@gmail.com — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 14:26:21 GMT

Home sick from work again. I would like to feel healthy just for one frigging day, please.

That means GO ASK FOR SOME DVD COMMENTARY, bitches, because I'm hella bored and want to talk about myself. For shits, I'll open up anything from the WIP meme, too.

Otherwise I'm gonna spend all day working on the Kevin Jonas/David Bryan crossover epic that's been lurking in my brain forever, and no one wants that.

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Going Around The Flist

heidizzle@gmail.com — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 00:44:07 GMT

I was horribly sick last night and ended up in the emergency room from 2 am until 4; I'm fine now, although I won't know what's actually wrong until I go see my doctor next week. It was bad stomach pain - like, couldn't move without five minutes of psyching myself up bad - and the er doc's guess is an ulcer or something with my gall bladder. Because that wasn't awesome enough, after I skipped work to sleep all day, I woke up with a killer migraine that won't die. PLUS PLUS the reason I'm not seeing The Academy Is... tonight is I didn't want to miss work (it's a 4 hour drive)...but I missed work anyway. SO TODAY KIND OF ROCKED, and as is the custom with days that rock, I'm posting a meme (and, uh, I am not ignoring the songfic meme prompts, I've just had 800 other fics demanding to be written).

Pick a paragraph (or any passage less than 500 words) from any fanfic I've written, and comment to this post with that selection. I will then give you a DVD commentary on that snippet: what I was thinking when I wrote it, why I wrote it in the first place, what's going on in the character's heads, why I chose certain words, what this moment means in the context of the rest of the fic, lots of awful puns, and anything else that you'd expect to find on a DVD commentary track.

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PSA

heidizzle@gmail.com — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 22:35:33 GMT

Yuletide signups are open, and there are a number of nominated fandoms relevant to my flist's interest: 17 Again, Hairspray, JONAS, Leverage, Disney RPF (KEVROOOON), High School Musical RPF, Wizards of Waverly Place. So go sign up and improve my chances of getting Kevron this year.

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heidizzle@gmail.com — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 00:20:13 GMT

I have kind of failed at LJ lately. Mostly because I am very very boring.

Work is...work, idk. I still like it, but there are some people (Crazy Conspiracy Lady, Dickbag Who Has The Impulse Control Of A Five-Year-Old, The One Who Doesn't Understand Boundaries) I really wish would go. Unfortunately, two of them are really good workers - or at least they get a lot done, I hesitate to actually call CCL a good worker, because to me that includes some willingness to adapt to the team - but Impulse Control's tendency to cross the line until someone gets hurt (he has sprayed me in the face with isopropyl alcohol before. He is SO LUCKY it was me he hit [he wasn't aiming] because I had glasses on so none got in my eyes. Plus I was in a good mood that day). IDK. Mostly it's good. Today I got to organize on a large scale, boss around the forklift driver, and carry around my Troy Bolton pen and Jonas Brother notebook (my other option was a sharpie and discarded cardboard, okay) in an official capacity. So that was neat.

I am spending most of my time writing Jonas Brothers hooker!fic, working title Kevin Jonas: The Sad Little Hooker Who Could. Because it's not like I have three different challenge fics on a deadline, or anything. It's not my fault no one has picspammed me inspiration for any of them.

Wow this is exactly as boring as I expected.

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Bon Jovi - The Circle

heidizzle@gmail.com — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 01:05:49 GMT

Bon Jovi have a new album! They are still my first epic love.

We Weren't Born to Follow - SUCH a 2000s Jovi first single. Sometimes I feel like Jon is trying REALLY REALLY HARD to be an Inspirational Figure; sometimes I think he could be if he would try just a little less hard. Jon wants to force his enlightened-ness down our throats, and that doesn't quite work. Of course, I say all this like I don't know I'll be singing along to this in the car with my fist pumping, all FUCK YES, STAND UP FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE, so I'm just a giant hypocrite when it comes to criticizing Jon. And I hardly ever say this, but omg I love the guitar solo. Richie must've been drunk.

When We Were Beautiful - LOL like I believe for a second Jon doesn't think he's still beautiful. I MEAN WHAT. I don't...like, I never expect anything new from Bon Jovi anymore, I feel like I've heard everything they're ever going to do, but this is...they've kind of taken every OH GOD I'M GETTING OLD LET'S PRETEND I'M NOT TERRIFIED song they've done and done it better, and there's something not-entirely-predictable about this. Which is weird. But good! I think it's that the whole thing feels like it's building but it never really explodes the way Jovi ballads tend to do. I keep expecting the big power chorus and it doesn't come and I like that it's not going where I expect. Also I am madly in love with the sha la la heys.

Work for the Working Man - OH GOD, I LOVE IT SO MUCH WHEN JON PRETENDS HE'S BLUE COLLAR. This is so dumb I'll never listen to it ever again (no I am not already singing along what are you talking about). Jon's voice right now works so well for this kind of song I almost wish I could let go of LOL OH GOD JON BON JOVI SINGING ABOUT BEING POOR THIS IS SO DUMB.

Superman Tonight - There are times I don't understand why it's so embarrassing to like Bon Jovi, and I want to whine about how dumb everyone is (I get the same way about the Jonas Brothers. Incidentally, I could hear this being a Jonas Brothers song). And there are other times when I get it totally, because SO CHEESY, but I LOVE THIS SO MUCH. I know Jon is all SERIOUS MUSICIAN THE EIGHTIES NEVER HAPPENED ESPECIALLY 1983 OH GOD DON'T EVEN TALK ABOUT IT but I love them best when they're all sappy overblown power ballad. And I love even more that they can do that and not sound dated. Even when Jon's using lines he's used a million times before. WHY IS IT EMBARRASSING TO LIKE BON JOVI, WORLD, STOP BEING DUMB.

Bullet - LOL sharing a title with a Creed song. HAHA WHAT I DON'T KNOW THE TITLES OF ANY CREED SONGS, SHUT UP. This album is like a potpourri of all their 2000s albums and this is totally from Bounce. If it had a baby with Keep the Faith. The song, not the album. I KIND OF LIKE IT. MARACAS. What is the distance between a bullet and a gun? THANK GOD WE HAVE BON JOVI TO ASK THESE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS. I need to stop making fun of them because the ones I make fun of are the best ones to sing along and it makes me look dumb. How many more times am I gonna say dumb before I get through this album? LET'S WATCH.

Thorn In My Side - So I am totally lost here because at this point I've gotten a David vibe from, like, every song, and that's NOT OKAY, because David is not allowed to contribute to more than one song. WHAT THE HELL MY WHOLE LIFE IS A LIE. Maybe now that he's on Broadway Jon has decided to grant him legitimacy as a musician. HOW GRACIOUS. I knew from the preview I heard I'd be all over this shit, sing-along-wise, and that has only been reaffirmed. IIIIIIII-IIIIIIII'LL SURVIIIIIIIIVE. Also, I am kind of glad that I can hear some of their Nashville time in this, like I was worried they were gonna do one gimmick album and be all WOW GLAD THAT'S OVER, but I can so hear it. WOO OO OO OOO.

Live Before You Die - I'm sure someday I'll be able to say something coherent about this but all I can think about is how like four songs ago he said "I want to live before I die" and it was already old then because HE USES VARIATIONS ON THAT ALL THE TIME and now he's named a whole song after it. JON, WHAT THE FUCK, BE MORE SUBTLE ABOUT YOUR UNORIGINALITY.

Brokenpromiseland - I wanted not to like this because haha what is that title, Jon, seriously, but FUCK I AM SO IN LOVE. (I will bet everything I have David's got a writing credit on this. If he doesn't, JON IS RIPPING HIM OFF). THE PIANOOOOOOO. THE BACKING VOCALS. THE VIOLIN. WHAT THE HELL THIS IS AMAZING I LOVE IT.

Love's The Only Rule - WHAT A STUPID TITLE. I am willing to let it slide, this is kind of delightful. AEROPLANE who even says that, shut up. I am so weirded out by how few songs on this album sound like cheap imitations of other Bon Jovi songs; based on the preview I wasn't expecting to be SURPRISED by anything, but this - it sounds so 2000s Bon Jovi but it's not, like, a ripoff of everything they've done this decade.

Fast Cars - I bet when Jon was hanging out with Joe Jonas they traded song ideas and Jon was wall WHOA, CAR METAPHORS, YOU'RE SUCH A SMART KID and then they had sex. I mean what. I refuse to believe Joe and Jon hung out and then there was a song about cars on a racetrack and then there was a song about driving fast and that is totally coincidence. BFFS ETERNALLY? YOU TELL ME. Or I will tell you: yes they are.

Happy Now - So the best thing about Bon Jovi is they always just make me SMILE, idek. Even the songs that depress the fuck out of me, it feels SO GOOD to listen to them. And, like, right from the beginning this song was all :D :D :D. Man I am just getting less and less coherent.

Learn to Love - ugh the DRUMMING in this song, I can't even FUNCTION. And the buildup to the chorus is just so. SO. IDEK. I have no words anymore, and I cannot think of an appropriate emoticon. THE WORDS ARE SO CHEESY BUT I LOVE THE WAY HE'S SINGING THEM.

Verdict: Oh Bon Jovi, never change. I am kind of curious to see where they go after 2010, 'cause their sound tends to change ever decade, but I think I'm getting some flashes here. There's so MUCH to every song, but this is so MELLOW. IDEK. I feel like Jon has hit this point where he's CONSTRUCTING songs, he's not just writing shit down and finding something for everyone to do. Like, idk, they've never been unpolished or half-ass but there's something about this that is SO MUCH MORE than they have been, like everything's so...full, idk. I AM SO NOT PUTTING THIS RIGHT. Whatever. I LOVE THIS SHIT my carpool buddy is gonna be so sick of it by the end of the week.

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heidizzle@gmail.com — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 21:58:13 GMT

y/y?

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heidizzle@gmail.com — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 04:04:02 GMT

My mom just called me down to have A Talk about how I'm not doing well, which...I'm not but I'd kind of hoped it wasn't all that obvious. I basically just cited my inability to afford zoloft right now, and the fact that I only just looked at what I've been doing and realized something wasn't right, and just nodded and mmhmm'ed at the appropriate places because I hate that conversation.

It's probably necessary; I realize that even if it isn't, she's probably always going to assume it is based on her speaking up being the thing that got me back home and into counseling. But tonight she kept mixing it with "you need to be better with money" talk and I don't know how much of that conversation was "you're not okay and I'm worried" and how much was "it's time to get your shit together and stop being a fucking mooch".

Both of which are valid motivations. I'd just like to know.

I knew, when I posted a few days ago about how my behavior tends to change before I even know I'm getting bad, I was in for it, approaching a wicked bad depressive episode. It would be nice if knowing did any good, if I could make this thick chokey can't-fucking-breathe on-the-brink-of-tears-all-the-time feeling not come if I know about it fast enough. I should be able to; theoretically I picked up all the tools in counseling. But I can only do it when I'm not bad; I can keep myself going day-to-day but I can't pick myself up when I fall over, not right away.

I don't want to do this for the rest of my life.

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songfic meme, take 3 billion

heidizzle@gmail.com — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 00:09:50 GMT

I know, too many memes lately. MAYBE I SHOULD POST SOMETHING WITH SUBSTANCE. But I am convinced if I can get something finished, my brain will go OH YEAH I LIKE THIS WRITING THING and then I can do the couple of challenge fics I need to do. LOGICK.

I've got 132 songs in this one playlist (chosen at random)

Pick a number 1 - 132, gimme a pairing, and I'll write you something. It might be cracktacular, but it'll be something ;)

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heidizzle@gmail.com — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 03:54:22 GMT

One of the things I do when my depression/anxiety flares up is spend a lot of time reading my old LJ posts. I have no idea why, but. That's why all the ~classic~ memes lately.

Name three fics you think I will never, ever, ever write. In return, I will attempt to write a snippet of one of them.

I should be asleep right now, should've been asleep three hours ago. I'm tired. And yet.

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heidizzle@gmail.com — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 20:05:19 GMT

I am a MORON, and volunteered to work at our church's turkey supper tonight. Which I've doen every year since forever, EXCEPT, in past years I haven't had work all day. I got home half an hour ago and have to leave in like ten minutes. And I'llbe out until eight or nine. UUUUGH STUPID. Free dinner, though.

Oldie but goodie:

The WIP meme: post a little bit of each WIP you have (or as many as you want to pick). No context, no explanations.

It's too easy to get into a rhythm of open-skim-delete when most of his messages are mundane business, so Kevin doesn't always notice who they're from, or important notes in the subject (like, for a completely random example, "Open When You're Alone ;)") until after he's already got whatever it is open. Which is a little too late when the reason he's supposed to be alone is a video of Zac jerking himself off, legs spread wide while he fucks himself on two slick fingers.

The room's silent for a minute after Kevin scrambles to close it, and Kevin'll admit he blushes probably more than the average adult male should, but at least this time it's definitely justified.

"So, uh, you're having a lot of fun when I'm not here, I see," Carden says, and leans back in so Kevin can feel the smirk against his neck.

~

Kevin sits up, shifts, rests his elbows on his knees and tries to look at Zac but can't really handle that so he just rests his head in his hands. Arguing isn't really one of his strong suits. "You scare the shit out of me."

"Do I?"

"I don't get you, sometimes, I don't get how you can – you compromise, all the time, and you never invest yourself, you just shrug, and let me do what I want, and I don't know how I'm supposed to know you're not gonna look around one day and realize you don't have anything you want and you can't live like that."

The couch dips and there's the warm weight of Zac next to him, Zac's arms around him, Zac's lips pressed to the side of his head. "You worry too much."

"You don't worry enough."

"I've got what I want."

Kevin turns his head, nuzzles into Zac's neck. "Are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

~

"You're my favorite, sometimes," Joe says, sprawled out on the passenger seat like he thinks it's a sofa. This time, it's because Kevin's been invited to one of Zac Efron's no-one-I-don't-trust no-cameras parties, because Mom and Dad don't ask questions, check pupils, try to subtly sniff out alcohol on Joe's breath when Kevin's chaperoning. Joe's fickle with his favoritism, at least with the favoritism he admits to.

"You don't have to suck up, I'm already bringing you."

"No, you are," Joe says, grinning like he knows Kevin doesn't believe him so he doesn't even have to try to be serious. "Like, for two whole years at a stretch, once."

"It was longer than that before Nick was born."

Joe nods, but doesn't correct himself.

~

"I can't," Kevin breathes against his skin, against his lips, between gasps and moans, closer and closer together until it's a chant, white noise thrumming through Zac's veins, cries it out with Zac's name when he comes.

"I can't do this any more," he says, buries his face in Zac, breathes deep, sounds so completely broken Zac wants to hold him forever, hide him away. "I can't."

Zac thinks, for a minute, about playing dumb, maybe if he makes Kevin say it he'll chicken out and they can go on pretending this wasn't inevitable; instead he just holds Kevin, runs one hand through sweaty curls and clutches Kevin tight to him until Kevin breathes out one last shaky sob against his shoulder and walks out the door.

~

Kevin nods, opens up his sandwich to take some of the lettuce off and then decides he wants it all anyway. It's a time-waster; as soon as he takes a bite, Dad's gonna say something, expect an answer, and just watch him while he chews.

"He's written quite a bit for you to sing."

"Not more than him or Joe."

"He and Joe are Broadway-caliber singers."

This time Kevin does take a bite, because he isn't sure what to say to that, exactly.

"Your guitar playing's really taking off; I think you should be focusing on that, instead."

"Am I not practicing enough?"

A few more fries go from Kevin's plate to Dad's mouth. "You're practicing plenty, Kevin. I mean as a performer, you should be focusing on your strengths. Joe on singing, you on your playing."

"And Nick?"

"Has enough focus for ten boys. Do you want to get dessert here, or go somewhere for ice cream?"

~

For once in his life, Joe is actually totally innocent - he just wanted to see if Kevin had a movie he hadn't seen eight thousand times, and he didn't even know Zac was over so of course he wasn't going to knock (the door wasn't even closed all the way!), none of them ever bother to knock. And if he didn't leave right away, if he stood there and stared with his mouth open, cheeks getting hot, pants maybe getting a little tighter not that he would ever admit that ever, well, that could be attributed to shock, right? Like, it's not every day someone sees his brother getting his ass eaten out and begging for it, all shameless and desperate and kind of really hot.

~

"You know," Ryan began, about to inform Zeke in the most well-intentioned way that the fawning was not an attractive trait, and it was hard to make someone with that body unattractive but he was getting there mighty quickly, and whatever he hoped to accomplish, he'd probably need to learn to bake her a fabulous recording contract to get it (or maybe just shoes, because the aforementioned body might go a long way).

"When did - " Zeke said, at the same time, and whatever it was he wanted to say would probably be good, 'cause he wasn't even attempting eye contact. Zeke had a gossipy side he was horribly ashamed of, and the only time he wouldn't look you in the eye was when he was dropping something juicy. A better man would've stopped encouraging the gossip that bothered him so much – but Ryan was only human, and rumors about the basketball team carried a lot of weight in the halls of East High.

~

In all the time Gaius had known him, Uther had never been – even for a moment – one for subtlety. So it was comforting, in some way, to know that whatever was going wrong was not so drastic that the king would settle for anything less than three fully armed guards to tell Gaius he was not, under any circumstances, to leave his chambers, that any attempt would be met with death. It was small comfort, certainly, but with the guards refusing to tell him any more, it was all he had.

WHAT SHOULD I BE WORKING ON? Tell me what catches your eye, because I have, like, a surplus of WANT TO WRITE and a huge deficit of KNOW WHAT TO WORK ON.

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